Bear Non-Proliferation Society

Now what?

The evening starts out innocently enough. You and your art school girlfriend ditch your respective jobs at book and record stores and fill up the Subaru Forester for the weekend and head out to the woods. Camping with mother nature all around you sure revitalizes the spirit. Sharing a red bull, cuddled up on an inflatible mattress and watching Oprah reruns on your laptop you are sure this is what the pioneers experienced.

Your girlfriend reminds you she hasn’t had a vegan cookie in upwards of several minutes, and sends you to the car for another box or two. You fumble with your keys and the flashlight in the dark, trying to find the car. When you do…

BAM! Bears hotwiring your car. Now what buddy? Think fast, you may only have seconds to live! Do you:

• Stay perfectly still and not make any noises to alarm the bears. Remember, they are more afraid of you than you are of them!
• Roll up into a ball and quietly try to count to 100 but find that you can’t because this song is stuck in your head?
• Scream for help and fill your drawers until a 14 inch paw slices through your neck? (two seconds)
• Pull out your Ted Kennedy signature series personal defense mace and rape whistle set and try to fend the beasts off? (bears love the aroma of pepper spray)
• Lay down some covering fire, pop a red smoke grenade, and grab onto the rope dangling from the chopper. You did remember to keep a chopper hovering a few yards above over your campsite the entire night, right? right?

Maybe Russians can handle bears?

Sure he is granted an enormous amount of power from wearing Ricky’s track pants and a gut full of vodka, but this dumb gypsy is doomed. Take in the surroundings for a moment : Abandoned tour bus full of bones from the last group of people to venture into that kill zone? Check!

Surely this is some wise bear ploy to trick people to enter a certain area then get mauled by all the bears in training. Theres probably a few adolescent bears sitting around smoking and waiting for their next victim, then they see this guy coming, a real badass.

He might be some kind of Russian Bear Special Forces unit who, due to funding, are only issued track pants, vodka, and hilarious little bats. This guy’s unit has been tasked with chasing down this tiny 3 day old bear and capturing it for weapons study or use in the Cold War.

There is also just a chance this is simply a drunk and crazy gypsy trying to kick a bears ass to win some rupees or whatever that russian money is that isn’t worth dirt. My rupees are on the bear.

GREAT NEWS! New weapon developed in the war against bears!

Floating Antibear Weapons Platform (FAWP)

This week the defense department announced the creation of a new class of warship for use in the global fight against bears: the Astute Class Submarine.

Submarines have been in various forms of development since the late 1800s when Americans were expanding westward and running into increasingly more bears each year. Not until recently was submarine design finally perfected enough to start using in counter bear operations. This new class of submarine boasts many fantastic new features:

• Four foot thick steel hull, completely bear claw resistant. (This has been tested)
• Able to outrun and outmaneuver bears in the water
• Top mounted Beardar can track hundreds of bears on the surface of the water simultaneously
• The ability to stay underwater for weeks, in the event there are just too many bears up there
• When surfaced, the well greased walls of the conning tower are just too steep and too slippery for bears to climb. This allows for bear surveillance even in the most infested zones. (But I still wouldn’t want to be up there)
• The entire metal shell of the ship can be used to electrocute rowdy bears if too many climb up.
• Two large chainsaw blades mounted on each side of the bow allow for the chopping off of bear heads and legs while at cruising speed, above or below water.
• Enormous tank treads running the entire length of the ship allow it to make its way onto land and into the forest. The giant chainsaw blades are then used for the clearing of forest.

As you can see a lot of thought was put into the design of this magnificent warship. Russia is currently developing an eerily identical version, which they always seem to do. I can only imagine how bad their bear problem is over there.

Odds you will be killed by a bear this year : 1 in 6

I read this article hoping to find out how likely I am to be killed by a bear this year. It wouldn’t tell me. Because they don’t want widespread panic spreading across the nation like a wildfire.

Ironic, isn’t it? because wildfires are one of our best weapons against bears.

The closest I could come to finding the information I needed after an exhaustive 3 or 4 click search was a traitorous bearrorist lover who claimed there are only about 100 bear deaths in the last 100 years in North America. Where do you think he got those numbers? You guessed it. BEARS!

The actual number of people in North America who are killed each year by bears is about 678,000. By my math this means you have about a 1 in 6 chance of having a paw the size of a manhole cover swipe your face clean off before your next birthday.

These numbers go up dramatically for woodsy hiking hippies. When going into the bear infested woods (any woods) you are virtually guaranteeing contact with a bear. The odds of surviving once you have made visual contact with a bear in the wild is 1.23%, according to National Geographic. If you must go into a forest, it is highly reccomended to do so by tunneling 10 feet underground for the entire duration.

You can lower your odds of dying to bears each year by following the tips and strategy outlined elsewhere on this website.

Bear Shower Horror

You know how it is super creepy to see things through steamy shower glass? Even if it is something you totally expect to be there like your dog or your wife or the Burger King. Well, I hope you are wearing diapers. Check this out! 

That might be the worst thing I’ve ever seen. I’d rather have 5 knife wielding maniacs waiting for me outside my shower door than a hungry killcrazy bear. I think the scariest part about it is how vulnerable you are. A bear lurking outside your shower door is fairly certain you :

1. Aren’t wearing your body armor
2. Aren’t ROBOCOP
3. Aren’t in a helicopter

Any one of those 3 things means you are bear food. Sadly, this tragedy happens more often than most Americans realize. How do you think Uncle Buck aka John Candy died? Bear attack right outside of his shower. The bear was let into the house under the assumption it was just John in a wool sweater. Next thing you know, blood is spiraling down the shower drain.

I think there are a few ways this could be prevented if you took most of the safety measures outlined here:

1. Giant ROBOCOP window decals on all of your shower glass. If a bear gets as far as your shower only to find out ROBOCOP is in there, you can bet he is going to take off. Ladies, this also means you get to pretend ROBOCOP is watching you shower. (If these decals aren’t on eBay, I sure need to start selling them)
2. Bear traps tipped with poison all over your bathroom floor. Hide these as effectively as possible and be sure to disable your bathroom light switch. Bears know to hit those on the way in.
3. Shower with at least two machine guns. Nothing sissy like 9mm or .223, either. 7.62mm is considered bare minimum for shower protection. (I was doing this anyway)
4. Stack lots of raw meat or live children in an area of your home far from the shower. This usually gives you enough to run in, shower Navy style, then get right back into your helicopter. Usually.
5. You could try a giant taxidermied bear decoy in your bathroom. The bear would think that some other bear already has dibs on ripping this persons face off and would move on to the next one. I don’t think there is any guarantee on this one though, so maybe use the giant stuffed bear decoy in addition to some of the steps above. Also I don’t like the odds of lightning or Christopher Lloyd coming in the window or something and bringing that sucker back to life. Then you just made your own bear problem.

This is why I haven’t showered since 1986.

Bearrorists!

Sure you are well aware of the huge list of society’s woes bears are responsible for. But did you know you can also include high gas prices? Yep.

Bear costing YOU dollars at the pump.

Here you can see a bearrorist walking along one of our crucial Alaskan oil pipelines. Their 14 inch razor sharp talons poke holes along the way, causing oil to spurt out in every direction. This causes much of our domestic oil production to be spilled into the Alaskan wilderness. The main problem here is gas prices. The Alaskan wilderness was full of oil before we got there, so don’t sweat that.

Why would bears want to sabotage our infrastructure? HELICOPTERS! They are more than aware that the stuff in these pipes goes directly into helicopters.

I propose a new strategy of only pumping superglue through these pipelines for a few weeks. Not only will this patch the holes, all the stupid bears will be glued to the pipeline for use as quarter-fed kiddie rides. Or made into rugs.

This gentle trained bear is a real snugglemuffin

Sometimes bears can be good. Look at how caring and gentle this bear is in the tender hands of his expert karate bearwrangler guy. (Video)

That’s not a tree you stupid bear!

This bear probably climbed this pole thinking there would be people to kill. (Video)

When bears lose, MANKIND WINS!

The Truth about Bears

According to the terribly misguided Kim Wolfe, student of George Mason University,

“Bears do not attack just because they are bears and it’s their nature; in fact, they are not naturally aggressive”

“Bears are not vicious creatures that attack at will.”

“Encounters with bears do not have to be horrible; there are steps a person can take to ensure their own safety and the safety of the bear.”

Of course bears attack because they are bears and that is their nature.  A hell beast that is 8 feet tall, 600 pounds and bristling with claws and fangs is made for killing, mainly killing people actually. Bears are always pissed off. Have you ever seen a bear that wasn’t growling and killing things? Maybe you have a few times in the movies. What you didn’t see is after the cameras stopped rolling; they were growling and killing things. Namely house pets, children, and the elderly. Acting bears are routinely brought down via a .50 caliber rifle (it’s the only thing that can kill them) from a helicopter (the only place safe from them) and a new bear and actors are procured for every scene.

You mean bears aren’t vicious creates that attack at will? Tell that to Timothy Treadwell the Grizzly Man, lady. The dude hung out with these “misunderstood” beasts for like 10 years when one day they finally realized he wasn’t a bear. Then they devoured his mauled corpse. Again, bears are always pissed off and killing things.

If you encounter a bear, you are probably dead because you don’t have a .50 cal in your fanny pack.

Bear Behavior Facts

Did you know that big giant bears have been clocked at 75mph? This is faster than a cheetah. Polar bears can swim almost this fast. Bears are usually doing this sort of stuff:

• Wrestling salmon in rivers. This is done for sport as most of their food comes from people.
• Climbing up trees to kill things or people.
• Flattening your camp and your car.
• Chasing camping hippies around the forest.
• Letting photographers take pictures of them from like 800 yeards away. This is good bear PR and brings more people to the forest.
• Pawing at helicopters. They are pretty sure meat is inside but can never quite reach them.
• Digging underground dens. These are used for ambush during the summer and hibernation during the winter.
• Being SO stupid. Bears are notoriously stupid.
• Sharpening claws on rough stones. Their claws grow up to 1 inch per week.