Bear Non-Proliferation Society

Bear Shower Horror

You know how it is super creepy to see things through steamy shower glass? Even if it is something you totally expect to be there like your dog or your wife or the Burger King. Well, I hope you are wearing diapers. Check this out! 

That might be the worst thing I’ve ever seen. I’d rather have 5 knife wielding maniacs waiting for me outside my shower door than a hungry killcrazy bear. I think the scariest part about it is how vulnerable you are. A bear lurking outside your shower door is fairly certain you :

1. Aren’t wearing your body armor
2. Aren’t ROBOCOP
3. Aren’t in a helicopter

Any one of those 3 things means you are bear food. Sadly, this tragedy happens more often than most Americans realize. How do you think Uncle Buck aka John Candy died? Bear attack right outside of his shower. The bear was let into the house under the assumption it was just John in a wool sweater. Next thing you know, blood is spiraling down the shower drain.

I think there are a few ways this could be prevented if you took most of the safety measures outlined here:

1. Giant ROBOCOP window decals on all of your shower glass. If a bear gets as far as your shower only to find out ROBOCOP is in there, you can bet he is going to take off. Ladies, this also means you get to pretend ROBOCOP is watching you shower. (If these decals aren’t on eBay, I sure need to start selling them)
2. Bear traps tipped with poison all over your bathroom floor. Hide these as effectively as possible and be sure to disable your bathroom light switch. Bears know to hit those on the way in.
3. Shower with at least two machine guns. Nothing sissy like 9mm or .223, either. 7.62mm is considered bare minimum for shower protection. (I was doing this anyway)
4. Stack lots of raw meat or live children in an area of your home far from the shower. This usually gives you enough to run in, shower Navy style, then get right back into your helicopter. Usually.
5. You could try a giant taxidermied bear decoy in your bathroom. The bear would think that some other bear already has dibs on ripping this persons face off and would move on to the next one. I don’t think there is any guarantee on this one though, so maybe use the giant stuffed bear decoy in addition to some of the steps above. Also I don’t like the odds of lightning or Christopher Lloyd coming in the window or something and bringing that sucker back to life. Then you just made your own bear problem.

This is why I haven’t showered since 1986.