Bear Non-Proliferation Society

GREAT NEWS! New weapon developed in the war against bears!

Floating Antibear Weapons Platform (FAWP)

This week the defense department announced the creation of a new class of warship for use in the global fight against bears: the Astute Class Submarine.

Submarines have been in various forms of development since the late 1800s when Americans were expanding westward and running into increasingly more bears each year. Not until recently was submarine design finally perfected enough to start using in counter bear operations. This new class of submarine boasts many fantastic new features:

• Four foot thick steel hull, completely bear claw resistant. (This has been tested)
• Able to outrun and outmaneuver bears in the water
• Top mounted Beardar can track hundreds of bears on the surface of the water simultaneously
• The ability to stay underwater for weeks, in the event there are just too many bears up there
• When surfaced, the well greased walls of the conning tower are just too steep and too slippery for bears to climb. This allows for bear surveillance even in the most infested zones. (But I still wouldn’t want to be up there)
• The entire metal shell of the ship can be used to electrocute rowdy bears if too many climb up.
• Two large chainsaw blades mounted on each side of the bow allow for the chopping off of bear heads and legs while at cruising speed, above or below water.
• Enormous tank treads running the entire length of the ship allow it to make its way onto land and into the forest. The giant chainsaw blades are then used for the clearing of forest.

As you can see a lot of thought was put into the design of this magnificent warship. Russia is currently developing an eerily identical version, which they always seem to do. I can only imagine how bad their bear problem is over there.