Bear Non-Proliferation Society

Now what?

The evening starts out innocently enough. You and your art school girlfriend ditch your respective jobs at book and record stores and fill up the Subaru Forester for the weekend and head out to the woods. Camping with mother nature all around you sure revitalizes the spirit. Sharing a red bull, cuddled up on an inflatible mattress and watching Oprah reruns on your laptop you are sure this is what the pioneers experienced.

Your girlfriend reminds you she hasn’t had a vegan cookie in upwards of several minutes, and sends you to the car for another box or two. You fumble with your keys and the flashlight in the dark, trying to find the car. When you do…

BAM! Bears hotwiring your car. Now what buddy? Think fast, you may only have seconds to live! Do you:

• Stay perfectly still and not make any noises to alarm the bears. Remember, they are more afraid of you than you are of them!
• Roll up into a ball and quietly try to count to 100 but find that you can’t because this song is stuck in your head?
• Scream for help and fill your drawers until a 14 inch paw slices through your neck? (two seconds)
• Pull out your Ted Kennedy signature series personal defense mace and rape whistle set and try to fend the beasts off? (bears love the aroma of pepper spray)
• Lay down some covering fire, pop a red smoke grenade, and grab onto the rope dangling from the chopper. You did remember to keep a chopper hovering a few yards above over your campsite the entire night, right? right?