Helpful Hints when dealing with Bears
June 24th, 2008 by Spleen Posted in Info about Bears | No Comments »One thing you can be sure of when dealing with a bear is that it wants to swipe your face off. Keep these helpful tips in mind when in a nightmarish forest with giant animals where you totally don’t belong.
- Koala Bears and Panda Bears aren’t really bears. Panda bears’ closest relative is the raccoon. Koala Bears are basically rats or something.
- Playing dead helps. It entirely skips the middleman and saves you and the bear a lot of time.
- The best self defense weapon when confronting a bear head on is a civil war cannon. The kind you stuff explosive charges or midgets into then light with a match. Tow one of these behind you at all times when in forested or mountainous terrain.
- You are out of your mind if you are in some kind of homemade bear proof body armor, buddy. The only thing you can wear in the woods to be safe around bears is a helicopter.
- Bears are notoriously stupid. This is the one time where your homely art school girlfriend makes herself useful while camping. Get a bunch of brown colored sweaters off ebay and put about 12 of those on her. The bear will take forever to figure out this is not a bear cub and it needs its face ripped off. Use this valuable time to escape in the chopper. If it is a male bear you are both hosed.
- Bears swim SUPER good and can hold their breath underwater for 3 days. Don’t even think about it.
- Bears can climb trees very fast. Be especially careful of bears zooming up trees that cannot easily support their weight. It may bend down a little and fling the bear towards you.
- If you must go into any woods that contain any species of bear, make sure your trail guide carries medical supplies and is ROBOCOP.